


Decisions

by FaithTheFallenAngel



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s01e12 Malec, Feelings, Fluff, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 14:17:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6427282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaithTheFallenAngel/pseuds/FaithTheFallenAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec is thinking over his choice to marry Lydia. Fluff ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Decisions

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sarinka311](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarinka311/gifts).



> Hello everybody! It's been a while. I know some of you gave up on me, but some still message me frequently and ask how I'm doing. Thanks for that guys! I will also turn this note into a bit of an announcement. As you know, I still haven't finished All Bonds Are Breakable. BUT, my best friend reads it and she makes me remember why I wrote it in the first place. (Sarinka311, you make me a better person and I love you as a sister.) So I'm going to finish it one day. I can't promise it will be in a week aor in a month, maybe not even in a year, but one day, you will log in to this site and look at it and you'll see the COMPLETE tag on it. That's all. Just wanted to spark a little hope in you. If I managed to do that, mission acomplished. Thanks for reading this long AN. I hope you like this creation. It's basicaly just my take on Alec's mind before his wedding.

**_Decisions_ **

**_alias those things that Alec Lightwood hates to do before his wedding night_ **

****

  _It’s the right thing to do. It’s the right thing._ These words kept floating through his head while his sister helped him look presentable. Maybe if he repeated it to himself enough, they would _feel_ right.

 „Alec, you don’t have to do this,“ Izzy said and finished putting some hair gel into his dark locks.

_Of course I do._

 „I know. It’s what I want,“ was what he replied, against his heart‘s wish.

 „Well, you know that I’m here for you if you needed to talk. About _anything._ “

It didn’t escape his attention, the emphasis she put at the end and he instantly knew what she was talking about. Or rather, who.

Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, who seemed to imediately catch on to that weird chemistry they had going on.

The warlock, who helped him save his sister and didn’t ask for anything in return.

The warlock, who stole his heart and who apparently felt the same way, yet decided to not do anything about it and respected Alec’s wishes, even when it obviously pained him.

Alec still couldn’t get over the pain in those beautiful dark eyes, that he knew would became green and gold, like a cat’s, when their owner used magic.

 „Alright. Anyway, I’m done. You can come out when you’re ready,“ Izzy said and Alec blushed, catching the not-so-subtle innuendo, but he was too slow with his response, for Isabelle already left the room.

With a frustrated huff he sat down on his bed and had to stop himself from running his hands through his hair, knowing that if he ruined his sister’s work, he’d lose his arms.

_What the Hell am I supposed to do?!_

In just few minutes, he was expected to come out of his room, stand before the altar and take Lydia as his wife. Shadowhunter marrige didn’t work like Mundane one, you couldn’t just get divorced. This union was for life and if he marries tonight, it’s going to be forever. Or at least until he dies. Which could happen anytime, as he was a warrior, but still. If he was to spend the rest of his however long life with Lydia, would he be able to live with himself? With that regret? Already, with every ounce of his being, he longed to get up, find Magnus and tell him how he feels, that the warlock was right from the start. His heart hurt, but his brain kept telling him that this choice was the best for his family.

Who cares if it isn’t what’s best for him? He’ll learn to be happy. Or at least how to forget.

_Nothing has to change. I’ll just be a married man and I can carry on as I always have. We’ll go on hunts and kill demons and all that will be different will be the number of people I’ll be protecting._

_Because that’s what I do. I protect the people I love._

**_Wait._ **

That’s right. He’s always been the protector. The one to stand in the shadows and watch over everyone. The one to jump in front of whatever danger would dare attack his _parabatai_ or sister. Always first and worst injured, but that’s okay, because it meant that his family was safe.

_But is that all I am? All I’ll ever be?_

Isabelle, Max and Jace were always his highest priorities. The reasons of his existence. But he never was the same for them, was he? As soon as Clary came along, Jace has never been the same. His relationship with Alec became a secondary concern. Isabelle wasn’t that little girl who always looked up to him anymore. She was a strong, independent woman, capable of looking after herself. And Max? Alec was glad to be able to see his youngest sibling once or twice a month.

All in all, they didn’t really need him anymore. What good is a protector without people to protect?

_Do I really want to spend my life living a lie?_

Because that’s what this whole wedding, this _bussines_ was. He didn’t want it. All he wanted was to get to know Magnus better, to maybe ask him on a date and just be happy.

_Don’t I deserve to be happy?_

Of course not. Shadowhunters aren’t supposed to feel. They’re supposed to follow orders, to sacrifice their lives for the greater good.

_Why, by the Angel, do we even have feelings then? If we’re just weapons? If our lives don’t matter?_

 „Alec?Come on, you’ll be late for your own wedding!“ came a shout from outside the room and succesfully ended that turmoil, happening inside Alec’s head.

 „Just a second!“he called back and got up slowly, looking at himself in the mirror. The white suit contrasted with his black hair and dark runes. It felt confining, like a straightjacket. These weren’t even his clothes, they were his father’s. His parents did the same as he’s doing right now. They got married as a part of a plan, not for love. Looking at their relationship now, there wasn’t even as much as mutual sympathy between them. They were like two complete strangers, bonded for life and trying to somehow not kill each other.

It felt intimidating, knowing that this is what awaits him. Just a partnership, without any kind of emotion, passion, _love._ At some point, him and Lydia will be expected to have children and nobody will care that he’s not in the least attracted to her, that he actually likes _men._

_There, I said it. Only in my mind, but it’s a start._

But why should he even start? When he’ll be married to a woman in just a short while?

 „Alec?“ called Isabelle.

 „I’m on my way now!“

With a final look into the mirror, Alec turned his back on his own scared reflection and put on his usual, calm and cool face.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

 

The ceremony itself passed by in a blur. At least until Lydia stood before him with her stele held steady above his forearm.

He watched as it got closer and closer to his skin and tried to smile back at Lydia, but his face felt frozen, like a mask. If he opened his mouth now, he’d either call the whole thing off or throw up.

 And then, just as the stele touched his skin, there was a commotion between the guests.

It was him, with his stupidly perfect hair and those hauntingly beautiful eyes and extravagant clothes, just standing in the middle of the aisle, looking straight at Alec.

In that moment, something in him cracked. It was like a dam, waiting to be broken.

_„You lose your breath every time they enter the room.“_

That was right. His suit felt even tighter than before, breathing became impossible.

  _„Your heart beats faster when they walk by.“_

Also right. His heartbeat was so fast Alec was sure Lydia could hear it.

  _„Your skin tingles, when they’re standing close enough to feel their breath.“_

Magnus didn’t even have to stand that close, Alec’s skin was prickling just from looking at the man.

All the signs were there the whole time, he just didn’t want to see them. But that doesn’t change anything. Right? He already knew he felt something, but love? That word is something most Shadowhunters look down at. Love makes you weak and vulnerable. It’s better to not feel it. But how does one fall out of it?

For a few seconds, time seemed to stand still.

 „What’s that warlock doing here?“ sounded and Maryse was walking towards Magnus, with a murderous expression on her face.

 „Magnus, leave this wedding, _now,“_ she said, but Magnus held up a finger in that superior manner of his and silenced her.

 „Maryse, this is between me and your son. I’ll leave if he asks me to.“

Ask Magnus to leave? No. That wasn’t an option anymore.

 „ _You unlocked something in me.“_

Yes, that was probably the best thing to say at the moment. There was a new emotion being born in Alec’s chest, one that he’s never felt before, yet knew what it was. The urge to rebel. To selfishly follow his heart when it looked like everyone else already has.

  _„You should start living for yourself.“_

 „You gonna be okay, buddy?“ asked Jace, but Alec couldn’t answer. His heart was beating so fast he feared it would jump right out of his ribbcage.

Lydia was talking to him now, but he didn’t hear her, breathing was too hard and he said as much.

 „I know. It’s okay,“ she told him with a reassuring smile. That was the moment all restraint snapped and Alec allowed his heart to do the talking.

 „I-I can’t do this. I thought we were doing the right thing but- This isn’t it.“

 „You don’t have to explain,“ his supposed-to-be-bride said with a serious expression.

 „Lydia, I’m sorry,“ Alec told her, not knowing what else could be said. He proposed to her and yet, here he was, calling the wedding off at the last moment.

 „You deserve to be happy.Okay? I’ll be fine,“ Lydia said and caressed his face gently.

Alec took a deep breath and nodded, turning his attention back to the warlock. _His_ warlock.

  _„Do what’s in your heart.“_

_And that’s what I’m doing now._

One step. Then another. And then he was walking, not caring about his mother, who tried to stop him, or the Clave members sitting around them. The centre of his world at the moment was Magnus and there was nothing more important than finally getting his hands on him.

He grabbed the warlock by his lapels and tugged him into his arms, locking their lips together.

This wasn’t how he imagined his first kiss. For starters, he thought it would be with a girl, and maybe a little more private, on their first date perhaps. Yet this, this was so much better. That taste of Magnus’s lips was addicting and so he kept kissing him like his life depended on it. There was a fire in his veins that kept burning hotter and hotter, his stomach in knots and filled with butterflies.

Magnus tasted like rebellion, dark secrets and that feeling when you get a drink of cold water after a work out. He didn’t seem to mind the kiss, on the contrary, kept giving as much as he was getting.

Finally, after seconds, minutes, hours, they broke up for air.

 „You never cease to amaze me, Alexander,“ said Magnus breathlessly.

 „Yeah. What the hell did I just do?!“

 

 

 

The End


End file.
